I call myself a writer (sometimes) but I suppose the correct term would be scribbler. I've written everything from poems (which I can usually finish) to the beginnings of maybe 100 novels (which I never finish). I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing but I am always writing something, even if it's just this - a blog. Perhaps it's my upbringing as an only child that led to this - having to entertain myself by devising elaborate fantasies in which everything is perfect, or, the reverse, everything is so much more messed up than my real life. But since I was a child, I was always writing.
I'm a secretive writer, mostly. Especially when it comes to stories. I don't like sharing my work with others. Poems I'm a little less private about. Be it on my now defunct Xanga page, or as notes on facebook, or as class projects, I've never had much problem putting 30 lines of prose out for others to see. But when I'm writing fiction, as is my m.o., I tend to hide it away in folders, or squirreled away in locked files on my laptop. It's been that way as long as I can remember. I don't really have an answer as to why. I'm usually embarrassed of the topic I choose to write about, whether I think I'll be caught plagiarizing or I feel my ideas are just stupid. I have never been comfortable sharing with the people around me.
The embarrassment, which shouldn't be so great a factor, is actually one of the most important factors of everything I do in life. I'm a very easily embarrassed person. I blush easily, and I tend to shut down when I feel I've made an ass of myself in some way. I know everyone gets embarrassed, and maybe I'm just overreacting, but it's actually caused a lot of stress to me in life.
I can remember being maybe five or six, and saying something completely absurd to my parents and grandparents and then running, horrified, from the room to hide behind the bed. I had only said some ridiculous thing any child might have said, but being laughed at bothered me so much that I hid from my family - the people who, by definition, loved me regardless. Maybe it was growing up the fat kid and being made the center of attention in a negative way that caused me to be so careful and wary of what others thought of me. I've had my moments where I enjoy being the center of attention. For example, I like to be the one who makes people laugh. And I'm pretty good at it, if I do say so myself. But when it comes to serious conversations and dark secrets, I'm a little more selective. This whole blog experiment notwithstanding, I tend to limit my revelations to people who I feel I can trust.
I also take rejection very, very badly. So in a way, it's a defense mechanism to keep all these deeply personal things private. Regardless of how good or bad I may think my writing is, I don't share it with other people because I'm absolutely horrified that they would have the wrong reaction. Whether they laugh at it, mock it, hate it, love it, it terrifies me that I can't control their reaction. Maybe I've spent too long letting my neuroses run my life, but at this point, I really don't know any other way.
This whole post is proof of my inability to stay on topic, so perhaps the natural segue is to talk about how I NEVER FINISH ANYTHING. I am not exaggerating when I say I've started to write at least 100 novels. God knows why. It's a ridiculous undertaking that I will probably NEVER pursue, but I still start them. Some are only written out in outline, some have a few paragraphs, some are 100 pages long. But they're all unfinished. Either I got bored with them, realized I was just re-writing a book I'd read, or a movie I'd seen, or I just hated where it was going, but they're all abandoned. I flit back through them, occasionally. Pretend I'll pick up where I left off, or start somewhere new and hopefully bridge the gap later, but I never get far. I think I've written in every genre that interests me at least ten times. And I cringe when I read through most of them. Others, I think might be good, if they were finished, but that would mean I'D have to finish them, and, well, that's not going to happen. Between the three computers I've spent my life writing on, I have at least 30 stories on each. And it actually makes me cringe to go back through them, sometimes. For example, when I was 12, I started writing what I thought was going to be a great story. I wrote over 100 pages of this book and had a billion characters and plotlines, and all these improbable situations. I left it alone and started something else within a year, but in high school, I powered up my old computer and read through it... And nearly died of embarrassment. Why? I couldn't tell you. No one else had, or would, ever read it. I was the only one. And yet I was so embarrassed for myself. It was easily the worst thing ever written. It still makes me cringe just thinking about it. I wonder if I'll ever write something that I'm actually secure about. Maybe someday in the distant future, I'll have some brilliant idea that doesn't make me want to stab myself. Thus far, not the case.
Poems have always come easy to me. Whether they be rhyming verse (trite though it may be, I was damn good at it) or free verse (which I'm still a bit iffy on) I can usually jot one down in a matter of minutes when the muse descends. I never set out to write them, but when I get the idea for one, I HAVE to write it, right then, no matter where I am. Having a notepad on my smartphone has made this process sooo much easier to facilitate. Before, you'd find me scribbling on receipt paper while at work, desperately trying to finish the verse that appeared in my head before it was gone. Some of these I like, some I don't, but I don't usually have a problem showing other people. Which makes no sense. When I'm writing stories, they're usually all fiction, maybe a detail here or there borrowed from my life or the life of someone I know. But when I write poetry, it's almost always hyper-personal. But these, I'll show around to anyone. Someone make that make sense.
Well, as this add rant fest comes to an end, I guess I'll just sum up by saying I'm a weirdo. And that's ok with me. Also, I am absolutely writing this to justify NOT paying attention to the plot of a story I'm currently writing. Because it makes me cringe.
Ciao
----Alamo
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