Baby Crazy

I'm at that point in my life where it seems like all of my friends and family are getting married and having babies. Which is wonderful, really. I love my friends, I love my married friends' spouses (most of them are also my friends) and I love their loud, screaming, poopy adorable messes of children. (No, really.) But being around all the love and marriage and babies has apparently started to take its toll on me. For example: I am a terrible facebook friend. I probably only talk to about 15 people on my friends list. (Sometimes that includes my mom, not gonna lie.) Everyone else, it seems, is just a "Oh, yeah, I know you. Let's acknowledge that fact and then never speak of it again" kind of friend. Which is fine, I suppose. I'm kind of hermit-y IRL anyway, so why shouldn't that carry over into the interwebs? Problem being, I'm a major creeper. (You have noooooo idea.) Like, if we're the not talky kind of facebook friends, but you have kids? I'm creeping on your pictures. A lot. All the time. I will ooh and ah allll over them... Anonymously. I mean, hey, you put them up there. Not MY fault. But thanks. You've given me my cute factor for the day. I appreciate your offspring. And I do. They're precious. Really.

Worse still are the IRL friends kids. Oh man. Those kids. They slay me. Right now, my friend Billie has a 4 year old daughter that might just be the cutest thing ever brought forth unto the planet. She's epically awesome. I want to steal her. (Disclaimer: Not really. But she is afuckingdorable.) She calls me Aunt, she smells like shampoo & bananas and she's just an amazing child. Beyond that, I have a 6 year old "nephew", another 4 year old "niece", and several toddlers in my soon to be assembled unholy army. But if that weren't enough, my cousins are allll procreating, as well. (Again, I'm all for it.) From my first cousins ALONE, I have 1 girl cousin, and 9 boys, 3 of whom are under 2. Oh. Dear. God. If you've ever struggled from a lack of adorable toddlers in your life, come to a family reunion with our family. The cuteness cup runneth over.

I realize I'm setting this up to be a bad thing, and don't worry, the punchline is coming. Like, right now. All these damned adorable kids are kicking my baby-maker-brain cells into overdrive. I have become the baby obsessed woman I never wanted to be. I have baby dreams. I look at baby merchandise for CHILDREN I DON'T HAVE. I have picked out my future offspring's names like a bieber-obsessed tween. ("And this one will be Britney, and this one will be Demi, and this one will be Justin Junior...") *Shudder* It's just wrong. But the worst part? I CAN'T STOP. It's like baby mania has set up shop and won't leave until I damn well produce one. WTF. Some part of me knows it's my subconscious' doing. It's up there right now, plotting, and putting all these thoughts into my mind. "You know, if you were born in viking times, you'd have shoved out about 8 of these by now and probably died of plague. You better get to gettin'!" Thanks, subconscious. You're a dick.

I didn't realize 25 was an appropriate time for your biological clock to go into defcon 1 mode. But, when your friends start producing heirs in their teens, I guess it's only natural that your clock gets an early nudge. BUT STILL. I have cats, man. Cats. (They're like people, but furrier and more demanding.) I live in an apartment with a roommate. Not married, not dating, not financially sound. Why, oh why, does my brain think I need a baby? Grrrr... I'm not a rash decision maker, so it's not like I'm going to go out and have a baby just to have one. I'm not stupid. But I wish the damn clock had a snooze button. In the meantime, I guess I'll just continue raising my cats and treating them like children. (Not like they give me any other choice. Spoiled, spoiled, spoiled.) Now, if only I could dress them up. Then I'd really have it all.

Until my next whim of insanity strikes,

I remain faithfully yours

---Alamo

If I had a million dollars

Apple apparently either knows me too well, or doesn't know me at all. The reason I say this is that they recently sent me about half a dozen e-mails about the new iPad 3... Which on the one hand, yes, I'm sure, is super-dandy and swell and all that jazz, but on the other hand, I can't afford whatsoever. They'd know that if they knew a damn thing about me. So, if I had a bunch of disposable income, sure, I'd probably buy one. But, I don't. So there's that. But that got me thinking about if I DID have a bunch of disposable income... What WOULD I do with it. So, for lack of anything better to fantasize about, I thought of what I'd do if I did, in fact, have a million dollars.

First off, I'd pay off all my debts. I don't have a lot of it accumulated. I have some old school loans and the like, but nothing ridiculous, really. So I'd get that taken care of.

Second, I'd pay off my parents' mortgage. It only seems fair to throw them an extra fifty grand on top of that, seeing as they raised me, and whatnot.

Third, I'd buy a house. Nothing extravagant, just a decent 3 bedroom with lots of windows and in a decent neighborhood. Depending on where I decide to settle, this could be here in the midwest, or maybe someplace on my dream list, like Seattle. (Mmmm Seattle. I have dreams about Seattle.) Then, I'd fill the house with furniture and bookshelves and books, books, books. I love books. (Have I mentioned that?) I'll never buy a Kindle or the like because I'd miss the feeling of a book in my hand. It's one of the things I'm old fashioned about. I love the way they feel, smell, and sound. (That first crack in the spine of a hardcover book? Oh, god, it's heaven.) I'd also probably buy some gaming systems and other et ceteras. Some dvds, some picture frames, maybe an arcade game (Who doesn't want a pacman game in their game room?)

Fourth, I'd travel. I'd get my cats a full-time babysitter (surely someone would agree to that) and go see the world. One of my more ambitious goals is to set foot on every continent in my lifetime. Going with my million dollars might make THAT a bit difficult, but backpacking Europe and Asia is certainly attainable.

Lastly, I'd put the rest in a retirement fund and go back to work. I'm not naive enough to think I can live on a million for the rest of my life, but it can get me through my twenties, probably. So I'd buy a good car and stock up on groceries and re-enter the workforce ready to go.

So maybe I'm boring. I don't want an evil lair, or a death-ray, a clone army or fifty thousand comic books in weather-proof sleeves. I just want some stability, some reliable transportation, and some life experience. I don't think that's out of my reach.

The real trick is, how do I make all of that happen without stumbling upon a cool million?

I suppose we'll just have to see....

---Alamo